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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26430517">Mrs Beeton’s book of pornography</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_a_pickle/pseuds/in_a_pickle'>in_a_pickle</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Good Omens (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Completely innocent actually, Gen, Gross misunderstanding, Humour, Sexual Humor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:47:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,991</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26430517</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_a_pickle/pseuds/in_a_pickle</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Or what happens after Gabriel and Sandalphon leave Aziraphale’s bookshop with a copy of Mrs Beeton's book (of pornography) of Household Management.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Mrs Beeton’s book of pornography</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Thank you for my pornography,” bellowed the Archangel Gabriel pleased as punch at his ability to blend in seamlessly with the mortals currently browsing the shelves in Aziraphale’s bookshop.</p><p>“Gabriel wait,” Aziraphale scuttled out of the back room and hissed after him. “You forgot your book.” The angel gave him a knowing wink and held out the old battered copy of ‘Mrs Beeton’s book of Household Management’.</p><p>Gabriel gestured to Sandalphon to take it and the mean little archangel snatched it from Aziraphale’s hands with his trademark sneer of distain.</p><p>“Thank you Aziraphale,” Gabriel said returning the wink and tapping his nose,“unfortunately I don’t have any of your . . . money to give you for it.”</p><p>“Oh, please see it as a gift.” Aziraphale smiled innocently then lowered his voice into a conspiratorial whisper, “I believe you’ll find some very juicy bits on page 522. Quite explicit.”</p><p>Gabriel nodded and flashed him a large square toothed smile. “Then Sandalphon, in the interests of human morality we must head directly back to my office. I’m afraid the prayers of those in our flock who are sick and in need will just have to wait.”</p><p>And with that the two Archangels stepped outside into the bustle of the Soho street and disappeared into a small alley by the bookshop where in a twinkling of stardust they both ascended back to Heaven.</p><p>Aziraphale’s mischievous expression didn’t falter as he bade farewell to his unwanted guests and went to pick up his telephone to call Crowley.</p><p>*****</p><p>Gabriel strode purposefully through Heaven’s main foyer with Sandalphon trotting at his heels like a puppy, albeit a nasty and vicious one. Two archangels very intent on reaching their destination. Walking with the sort of purposeful gait one adopts when heading home with a handful of illicit material.</p><p>Once inside his bright and airy office Gabriel snapped his fingers once to turn the glass opaque and twice to lock the door, finally leaving the two archangels alone with the book. Gabriel sat down on his large comfy swivel chair and nodded to Sandalphon to pull up a stool. He took the book and placed it on his large desk and put on a pair of very unnecessary silver rimmed reading glasses.</p><p>“So, Aziraphale said we would find the juicy bits on page 522.” He said licking the top of his index finger.</p><p>“Juicy bits.” leered Sandalphon gleefully, scraping his stool closer.</p><p>“Yes, I believe it’s human slang for the parts that are particularly arousing.”</p><p>Sandalphon seemed to struggle with not looking very pleased at this thought.</p><p>Gabriel looked at the ancient book and used his divine powers of efficiency to snap it open at page 522, which was a shame for had he taken the time to flick through the informative contents on how to efficiently run a Georgian Household, the following misunderstanding may not have taken place.</p><p>“Here we are, page 522.” Gabriel flattened out the book with his large hands. “Oh, some of the page appears to be missing, it looks like it’s been ripped out at some point.” He peered closely at the damaged area, the edges now brown with age. He looked at Sandalphon informatively, “an indication this page has obviously been well used by previous salacious readers.”</p><p>Sandalphon’s dark eyes gleamed in apparent disgust. “Oh those filthy humans are always tearing pages out of these kind of books, they like to get them all sticky with . . .”</p><p>Gabriel held up a thick finger and adjusted his glasses looking every bit the dedicated academic mastering in human pornography.</p><p>“Before we commence our investigation Sandalphon, have we established exactly what <em>pornography</em> is?” Gabriel took a gold pen from his top pocket and clicked the end, he took a sheet of white paper from his desk drawer to make notes should the occasion arise.</p><p>“I think you’ll find it’s printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.” The explanation was forthcoming without a beat, it was almost as if he had spent hours memorising that particular entry in the library’s humanities dictionary.</p><p>“Then we certainly need to have a more intimate understanding of these lewd acts humans to like to perform on one another.”</p><p>“Lewd acts.” Sandalphon shook his head, mentally rubbing his hands together in anticipation.</p><p>“Then maybe, Sandalphon, we can find a way to lead these sinners to salvation . . . via a form of ‘anti-porn’ if you will.” He made a note of this concept on his white paper and Sandalphon was not pleased to find his initials penned by the side in gold as a lead on this idea.</p><p>“I’d much rather indulge in a good old solid smiting for all those sinful acts of lust and depravity.” Sandalphon’s gold teeth gleamed hopefully at this thought.</p><p>“Maybe, but we really should try and save them first.” Gabriel was slightly distracted now his eyes were roaming the page “I think I can pick up the thread from where the tear ends, I don’t think anything too relevant is missing.”</p><p>“Make sure you don’t leave out any details, I need a very clear picture of all the gross indecency that goes on in their sordid little lives.”</p><p>Gabriel cleared his throat and started to read, his finger following the words  “. . . <em>wipe the skin with a warm damp cloth to clean it thoroughly, not forgetting to pay particular attention to the cavity area. This procedure may take time and patience but you will find the end result is worth it.”</em></p><p>“A warm damp cloth wiping around their cavity.” Sandalphon licked his lips. “Such filth.”</p><p>“These appear to be instructions for the preparation of sexual congress,” he paused tapping the page with his finger, “hygiene it seems is very important, I understand whole business is very messy, bodily fluids everywhere.”</p><p>“All their private parts on display with no shame.” Sandalphon loosened his white collar and tie freeing his ample neck that shook slightly in its release.</p><p>
  <em>“On a table or hard surface (belly up), spread out the wings and legs so you can easily access all areas with your hands. You’ll find the cock easiest to handle this way.”</em>
</p><p>Gabriel rubbed his hand over his large square jaw slowly digesting this surprising new development.</p><p>“Wings? Could this be the beginnings of some sort of pornographic angel fantasy? Sandalphon this is far more interesting than I thought, the humans are apparently becoming aroused over angel’s performing sexual acts on one other.”</p><p>“Maybe that’s why <em>he</em> recommended this page, I bet it’s <em>his</em> favourite, I bet <em>he</em> and that depraved demon boyfriend of his pour over it every night whilst indulging in each other’s hot and sweaty bodies.” He divested himself of his thick jacket. “I’m not going to be able that image out of my head for a long time now, all the writhing and moaning. Disgusting.” He shook his bald head in torment.</p><p>“A mention of it might not go amiss at his next annual review I suppose, if this is the kind of material he stocks in his shop, we might have to confiscate a few more items for evidence.” Gabriel made a note of it on his sheet of white paper.</p><p>“So there’s a naked angel spread out on a table.” Said Sandalphon eager to get back to the point of the exercise. “What do they do to them next? I just can’t bear to imagine.” He craned over Gabriel’s shoulder to get a look.</p><p>
  <em>“Now you will need some oil or soft butter to apply thoroughly to the skin, you will need both hands for this task and a gentle touch. Start at the back with the delicate area behind the wings, and then continue rubbing the oil in a downward motion before bringing your hands around the body to softly massage the breast area. Now you need to pay particular attention to lubricating the thighs as these can go dry very quickly before spreading the legs open slightly to access the vent. You can pluck out any stray feathers at this stage, this is easily done with a quick tug along the shaft.”</em>
</p><p>Sandalphon shuddered audibly and stood up off the stool, discretely adjusting his trousers.</p><p>“Interesting, very interesting,” Gabriel mused reading over the paragraph again in his head, “do you wear the human apparatus Sandalphon? I didn’t for a long while but I think I’d quite miss them now given the choice.”</p><p>“Are you finding it rather warm in here?” asked the shorter Archangel producing a large white handkerchief and dabbing at his brow.</p><p>“So it appears body massage and intimate wing grooming are interpreted as angelic foreplay as a precursor to the final goal of penetration.” He made a note of this with diagrams.</p><p>“It’s sinful, so very sinful.” </p><p>
  <em>“It’s advisable to massage the oil into the skin slowly and carefully to ensure all the juices stay inside as you don’t want them flowing out too soon. You will find a dry cock very unsatisfactory.”</em>
</p><p>Sandalphon gave a cracked whine and miracled up a large glass of ice cold water.</p><p>
  <em>“When you have finished this stage it is advisable to explore the cavity with a clean hand to check the passage is clear and there are no obstructions.”</em>
</p><p>Ice cold water ejaculated from Sandalphon’s mouth all over the desk, he quickly snapped the mess clean with an obvious look of embarrassment.</p><p>“You’d be right to be surprised Sandalphon, were you aware that twenty percent of prayer requests received on a Saturday night between the hours of 2am and 5am are for the miraculous removal of a foreign object from a human anus. It’s prime recruitment time. It’s surprising how many humans swear to dedicate the rest of their lives to the church should the item be mysteriously extricated before they need to visit the local sanitorium.”</p><p>Sandalphon made a mental note to offer to do the night shift more often on the weekend prayer rota.</p><p>
  <em>“Now take a lemon and gently insert it into the cavity trying not to tear the skin.”</em>
</p><p>“What!” he gapped. “A lemon? That’s not even the right shape.”</p><p><em>“If the vent is particularly small then rub more oil around the entrance and the lemon should eventually slip inside.” </em>Gabriel nodded informatively at the other archangel as if this was the simple solution the issue required.</p><p>For the first time since the book opened Sandalphon looked decidedly unsettled.</p><p>
  <em>“Now take both legs and draw them tightly up to the breast crossing them over at the feet. Secure the legs in this position with a length of string or twine tying it firmly around either foot before looping it around the legs and finishing it off with a good knot. Tuck the wings back in and keep trussed up like this in a cool dry room until ready to use.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If you would like to ring the changes see the section on Spatchcocking.”</em>
</p><p>Gabriel slowly closed the book and looked solemnly at Sandalphon and they shared a moment, the kind of moment where two beings suddenly realise they have just had a bit of a porn overload.</p><p>“This is Hell’s work indeed Sandalphon, I think we might be a little out of our league here. It might be wise to leave the subject to someone more in touch with humanity.”</p><p>Sandalphon nodded his head in agreement the final image rendered into his metaphysical retinas for eternity. Gabriel snapped his fingers and the book vanished, reappearing from where it had been removed, safe and sound on a dusty shelf in Aziraphale’s bookshop.</p><p>*****</p><p>
  <em>“Yes dear boy, the title on the page had been torn out many years ago, I’ve no idea why, but I suppose it could easily get confused with something rather different entirely . . . what? . . . oh it was simply on how to prepare and truss a cockerel for the oven.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh you perfect bastard!”  laughed Crowley.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Apologies here to the infamous Isabella Beeton and her informative recipes on how to successfully cook a wide range of innocent creatures. The information on how to cook a cockerel is entirely fictional and has been grossly manipulated to reflect the slightly smutty nature of the piece. I hope you enjoyed it!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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